Thanksgiving

It probably shouldn’t, but it amazes me how much the emotional anguish of the past few weeks has caused utter physical weariness.

Husband and I are both simply worn out. We rise each morning, head to work, return home, complete our necessary chores (cleaning stalls/feeding animals/making dinner), and then we crash–onto the couch for a movie (or half a movie, or a few minutes of a movie), or even straight into bed for much-needed sleep. We are always tired. Always.

I thought I was tired before–just because of the pace of life that we keep. But it was nothing compared to this.

At first I thought perhaps it was the fact that for about a week I was averaging 3 hours of sleep a night–I would literally fall into bed after I had seen everyone else off to bed with their physical needs met and spent an hour preparing the house for another day of chaos (and sometimes even snuck in a shower after everyone else was asleep).

But I’m convinced that it is more than loss of sleep.

It is the grieving–the loss of my beloved brother-in-law has taken a physical toll on all of us. I cannot see an end to the emotional impact anytime soon, and so I doubt there will be an end to the physical weariness around the corner.

On top of everything else, there are the holidays, out-of-town visitors, and renovations being done on our house. All good things, and yet I just want to escape them. In the morning I want to pull the covers over my head and refuse to acknowledge the day has arrived. It’s not that I don’t have the courage to face the day, I just don’t have the energy.

And I miss Husband. Oh sure, we see each other every morning and every evening, but we’re either dragging ourselves out of bed or dragging ourselves into bed. There isn’t much quality time or conversation happening. And I can tell that it bothers him too.

Husband called me at work the other day. He had gone to the mall to get his hair cut and had walked past a dress in a department store. He called to tell me that it made him think of me, that I would never wear it because it was so short, but he thought I’d look great in it. A nonsense conversation–but one that shows me a bit of what’s on his heart.

Unfortunately, as I look ahead, I don’t see much quality time becoming available. We have a busy week full of preparations for new flooring and appliances (not the best timing). Then a a scramble to put our house back together just hours before company arrives Thursday for Thanksgiving. Of course, I wouldn’t trade hosting Thanksgiving for anything–Husband is so looking forward to having family gathered here!

So meanwhile we are trying to give ourselves permission to be tired–validation that it’s okay. We’re giving ourselves the grace to rest, to go to bed early, to need the quiet moments of reflection, the cup of tea, the glass of wine. Because it’s all part of the healing process.

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To give you a peek into our life at the moment… Is this what your kitchen and dining room look like days before hosting Thanksgiving?? (Notice we are sans refrigerator…and lacking other basic items, like a table.)

Or perhaps your living room and study contain everything you own…

Only two more days of this and we will be scrambling to put everything back to order…the floors should be finished tonight, actually, and the appliances delivered tomorrow.

By the time Thanksgiving comes, I have a feeling I’ll be even more exhausted than I already am, but the house will be spic-and-span. Seriously, I’m cleaning things I never have before. The inside of the closet that stores our pet supplies? Yeah, it’ll be clean.